Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Slap Truth v 2.18

So I have been drowning myself with stress and thought of blogging just for a little air. But when I was about to work my twingly (if there's even such a word) fingers on it, suddenly I can't find the right words to say.

Thank God for Thought Catalog. I stumbled upon this article which I find very timely. You see, I'm currently struggling of WHATs and WHYs right now. I have few questions which are (forever be) left unanswered. As much as I want to understand everything, I feel that there are things you just need to accept.

C'est la vie! Shit Happens! 

What more can you do when you took a wrong turned and bumped yourself to the wall. So anyway, just want to share this article written by Ms. Rebecca Lee on April 24, 2018 (atiiii gurllll, idol ka!) as a slap truth to it. Here it goes...


At some point in our lives, we've all felt disappointed when the expectations we placed upon a person who we probably described as "special", "different" or "amazing" weren't met. Maybe you emotionally invested in the idea of how good it could be instead of seeing it for what it was, and when it didn't work out you felt rejected - abandoned even because your feelings aren't reciprocated.

This would have hurt you and bruised your ego. It would have made you feel angry at yourself for taking a chance on someone. You trusted and confided in them with the hopes they would not hurt you and finding out their feelings were not mutual was like them saying, "I see what you have to offer, but no thanks, I'll pass."

That feeling of rejection - it isn't nice, but it does happen to the best of us and every time this has happened to me I've always referred back to the taxi light theory.

The theory is that when a guy is open to the possibility of being in a committed relationship he will simply turn on his taxi light. If you're the girl that hails the taxi when the light is on, there's great potential for the journey to be a long and pleasant ride. But if you jump into the taxi when the light is off, no matter what you do or say, it's not going anywhere.

As women, sometimes our imagination gets the best of us. We have this incredible ability where we're able to create millions of scenarios in our brains that all involve our handsome leading co-star which is who we believe to be our perfect match. Sometimes we might get so wrapped up in these ideas that on a subconscious level we try to manipulate real-life situations to work in our favor in order to get what we want. I must tell you- you can control how well you excel in your career, your finances, how much exercise you do each day and many other things that contribute to your own life being great, but you cannot control how another person feels. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it's the truth.

If a guy is not ready to be in a committed relationship nothing you do or say is going to make him change his mind. If he wanted to be with you, he would move mountains to be with you - he would put in the effort and go that extra mile. You would be able to see from his actions that he is serious about you! That's the kind of guy you want, not the guy who texts you at 2am on a Sunday morning saying "U up?"

You can kick, scream and throw a fucking tantrum. You can be so angry that this person doesn't feel the same way you do. You can annihilate his entire existence in a group chat getting all of your girlfriends to back you up on everything you're saying, reassuring you that he's a douchebag and that he doesn't deserve you (which more often than not, is probably right). You can take the petty path and try and orchestrate ways to make him feel bad. You can do all of those things and it might make you feel better for a little while, but the truth of the matter is, his taxi light wasn't on and you probably chose to ignore all of the signs and jumped in any way.

If his light is off, you are investing in someone who is emotionally unavailable which ultimately is only going to exhaust you. You'll try and overcompensate in order for it to change, you'll give 110% all of the time and you'll do girlfriend things for someone who doesn't even give you a good morning text.

Think back to all the guys from your past who really liked you, there would be a few I'm sure of it. How did you know they liked you? What did they do to show you they cared? What made you at that moment feel confident that if you wanted to be with them you could be? How different were their behaviors to the guy with the light off?

Even if you didn't see a long-term future with those guys, did they make you feel safe and secure? Were they supportive and encouraging? I bet they were and they would have made it known that they weren't going anywhere. Their lights were on because they demonstrated to you through their actions that they were in it for the long haul.

I can't tell you when a guy's light is going to turn on, I can't tell you what street he's going to be driving down or what time you can expect him, but if you pay close enough attention you'll know if the next taxi you decide to jump into is going to be available to take you to your desired destination.

Don't just sit in the back seat of a taxi waiting for it to miraculously start moving, you might be waiting a lifetime. Get out and keep on walking because you never know, your taxi might be just around the corner.


Love lots,
Katerina Bianca

Wednesday, April 4, 2018

Dear Blogger.

Hi. Tis is no goodbye.

On the contrary, how I wish this is the start to get back to my regular grind. When my fingers would twitch on the wee hours of the night just to vomit out all the random thoughts in my head. Back during the days my so-called "life" was chillin' without any inhibitions. The days when I was not mindful about what people might say. When I was still carefree not but careless.

"Where are you now? If I may ask. Yes you dear! The before Ms. Katerina Bianca Carausos Perez, presently known as Atty. Katerina Bianca Carausos Perez. You wandered very long and far. When are you coming back?"

These are the questions I often ask myself. Skip the midlife crisis. I am better done with that. But these... are the exact words I utter ever single day.

I am exhausted. I am not exhausted physically. Not exhausted mentally. I am emotionally exhausted.

So sino ka nga ba talaga?

Ako nga pala si Katerina Bianca Carausos Perez, self-proclaimed city girl for the very obvious reasons that I was born and raised in the polluted city of Quezon, Metro Manila. And so...

Wait I'll try to recall...

Back when I could still remember how I was, (ehem) comforting to others, I was employed in one of the top BPO Companies in the country. Simultaneously, I was figuring out how to escape the maze of law school. And...

I did. I was able to graduate after five and half years. Then took the bar exam. And then the rest is history... Did you succeed?

I did. I was able to. After the loooong dreaded boohoos, I gained my license, became a lawyer, got my license ID (which, btw, use every single time whenever I want to slip away) then there was silence. ??????

I lost myself....

I dunno. I am not sure. I am the best person to give out advice. My juniors would always ask and commend me for my alleged accomplishments. But after that, I am no longer sure...

I don't want to blame my job but it did give me restrictions. It made me conscious of every single thing I do. From the way I talk... the way I walk... Even the way I laugh... Who I am again, if you'll ask? I don't know.

...I WAS that girl who was mindless of what I'll say. Who'll blog regardless whether it is grammatically acceptable. I am was the girl who would invent words and twist your brain as you try to figure out what it means. I was the girl who will not take things seriously unless it was a life and death situation.

So who I am now?

hmmm. Lemme think! Now... (blank stare)

I want my old self. I want to play it cool. I want to talk again. I don't want boundaries. I want to fly.

So while I am trying to figure out where this old soul went, I will perhaps... perhaps... OhGeesh! The only thing I could think of is to blog again and pray that I everything will be alright.

I believe it will be. I just want to have a unicorn! For crying out loud... I really do!

Love lots,

Katerina Bianca

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

[PreWeek Ed.] Mga Habilin ni Ate.

Apat na tulog lang mga kapatid. Ano kaya pa!? Kapit lang. Anu't ano pa, matatapos din yan. Kapag natapos ang lahat tapos wala na kayong ginagawa sa buhay nyo, dun nyo ma mi-miss ang lahat. Dun nyo magre realize, ang sarap palang mag aral kaysa mag trabaho. Totoo yun! hahaha. Well anyway, hoozaaay, highway, eto mga last minute ng pinaka maganda nyo ATE sa karera.
1. Wag mag alala kapag di nyo alam ang sagot. Kapag di nyo alam, malamang sa malamang, di rin alam ng iba. At least di ka nag iisa. Damay damay na to. At sa totoo lang, general rule talaga di mo alam. Kapag unang basa mo e alam mo na ang sagot, kabahan ka na. Basahin mo ulit, malamang mali pagkakaintindi mo. Kapag di alam, dahil product naman kayo ng PUP, mag creative writing. Basta siguraduhin na medyo connected naman ang sagot nyo. Wag mag amend ng batas, di yan kongreso. Gandahan ang english, minimal to zero erasures, gandahan ang sulat. After nun, dasal.

2. Magbaon ng masarap ng pagkain. Nung exam ko, mas concern ako kung anong pagkain ko kaysa sa anong isasagot ko. Syempre, bibitayin na nga ko, di pa masarap kakainin ko. At least I will die happy.

3. Wag ka ng magbasa ng TIPS. Salot yan! Maniwala sa mga inaral nyo. At kung meron man kayong dapat pasadahan before mag start ang exam, yun ay ang codal. Wag kayong mag alala kung alin dun ang dapat basahin. By heart alam nyo anong mga provisions ang dapat balikan. Tiwala lang. 

4. This is not just my experience but even from others, madalas kung anong lesson sa classroom, yun ang maalala nyo at hindi ung lectures during review center. Use your imagination, picture yung classroom, your professors, san ka nakaupo, relax and recall. Magugulat na lang kayo at magpapasalamat sa mga profs. Kaya nga sa mga students pa lang, it pays to attend the class kahit hindi nag aral. WAG KAYONG MAG ABSENT. 

5. Nakaka haggard ang exam kaya its a duty to yourself and to the entire nation na maging fresh. Basta importante sa akin dati, hindi ako lalabas ng UST na haggard. Always and forever, dadaan muna ako ng restroom para mag retouch and maglagay ng red lipstic.

6. Wag madamot. Makaka encounter kayo dyan mga seatmates na aatakihin na ata ng anxiety attack kakapilit mag recall ng mga topics. Kung kaya mo naman sya tulungan, gawin mo. Hindi yun sa pagmamayabang but you also wish that person success. I remember doing that sa Legal Ethics kasi di nila kabisado ang Lawyer's Oath. Ang sarap ng feeling na pagtapos nang exam, lalapitan ka nila at pasasalamatan. Its actually a proud moment for me at ang nasabi ko lang ay see you sa Oath Taking. True enough. Nagkita nga kami dun. Oh diba. Good Karma.

7. Take with you during exam kung ano man ang makakapag pagaan ng pakiramdam nyo. I had with me my rosary nung nag eexam ako. Kung gusto nyo picture ng buong angkan nyo, so be it. Basta ipaalam nyo lang muna sa mga proctors.

8. This has been said many times, in many ways pero wag nyo ng hanapin ang tamang sagot after ng exam. Wala na mga bes, nasulat nyo na. Kahit kumatok pa kayo sa Supreme Court, hindi na nila ibabalik sa inyo ang booklet. Sabi nga, what you do not know can't hurt you. Kaya wag nyo ng alamin kung tama ba o hindi mga sagot nyo. 

9. From front gate ng UST to mga exam buildings, may tinatawag ako dun DEATH MARCH. Idasal nyo yun mga kapatid. Wag na kayong tumambay sa may fountain. Maiinitan pa kayo at mag aamoy araw. (Oo nga pala, mag exam kayo ng fresh. As in mabango, preskong presko. Wag amoy araw. Nakaka badtrip ang exam, wag nyo ng dagdagan pa). Going back, while walking papunta sa exam room hanggang sa makaupo ka sa pwesto, mag dasal ka. Kahit ano pang dasal yan basta wag lang kay public nuisance na si Luci... keri lang. Dasal lang talaga bes. Marami kayong magdadasal DURING exam, siguraduhin mo ng mauna ka sa pila sa wishlist kay Bff Jesus.

10. Lastly, after every exam, magpasalamat. Wala na bes. Napasa mo na ung booklet. The best thing to do is magpasalamat kasi you are one step closer to living the moment. Kada pasa mo ng booklet ay papalapit sa matagal mo ng pinapangarap. Tandaan, hindi lahat nakakarating sa puntong yan. Yung iba nga suntok sa buwan pa kung makaka graduate na. Ikaw andyan na! Magiging abogado na! Naniniwala ako na lahat ng nagkakaroon ng opportunity magtake ng bar exam ay magiging abogado, hindi man siguro sabay-sabay (well yun ang reality) pero magiging, basta hindi ka susuko. Ang mahalaga naman ay makuha mo ang titulo diba.Kaya magPASALAMAT ka bes. Ayan na. Abot kamay mo na.

Ang daldal ko talaga pero nawa'y mabasa nyo to. Ay wait lang... kung mababasa nyo to ibig sabihin nagf fb kayo, pre week na ha! Charuuut. Pahinga naman. Oo nga pala, di kasalanan ang mag fb sa pre week ha. Kung yan ang paraan para hindi bumigay utak nyo, go lang!

p.s. Pabili kayo maraming salonpas after ng 1st Sunday. Kakailangan nyo yun, maniwala kayo. Kung pwede, pa schedule na agad kayo ng massage session sa monday. hahaha!
p.p.s. Mahirap ang bar exam kasi mahirap maging abogado, at least for the 1st year. Kaya in time maiintindihan nyo bakit ganyan ka stressful ang mga bagay-bagay. Enjoy the moment.

GOD BLESS all 2017 Bar Examinees!

Love lots,

Katerina Bianca

Sunday, February 12, 2017

The Next Saga.

To remain with him is an asset on his part but a liability to me. So why should I stay with a man who cannot see my worth. Why stick to the idea of forever if he himself is uncertain. Why dream of the future around his complicated soul.

I have learned to let go. It is painful. The heck it is. The hell it sinks to my bones. But... tomorrow is another day.

I'll live to the belief that why dwell to misery. The world will not stop revolving because you are crying. The sun will not stop shining just because you are lost in the darkness.

So from this day forward, I will write again. He used to make fun of my posts- grammar etc. But this is me. Letters are my cotton, words are my silk.

I will cry again. Perhaps, In due time. But I will continue and live each day as if its the last.

Love lots,
Katerina Bianca

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Part 1. Journey to Lawyer-ing

Time check: 12:34AM.

I know. I know. I should be sleeping (which has been my staple rant again) but for some randomness, my brother went home this late. I have been occupying his bed for days and since his 'pag-uwi' is unexpected, I am not in the mood to fix my own bed (which, btw, is filled with worn clothes and books). HAHAHA. So to waste time until someone in my household wake up and leave, I might as well make use of my nagging imagination and start playing with words.

While I was intensely studying today, I had some aftermath thoughts of why do I want to become a lawyer. Considering the remorseful life before and after, why do I still choose to enter this realm which I don't even have any idea whether or not I'll be happy. Just for the record, lawyer-ing is not really my 'thing'. I was misplaced by my mom in a battle field and somehow Chassé through it. 

When I was young, I wanted to become a journalist. My peg in life is Jessica Soho and I envisioned myself interviewing famous personalities. Since I'm an obvious talker, I thought intriguing people will be my forte. So both grade school and high school, I became a part of the school paper. However, I came to terms that I am the laziest person in the planet. I can't even be disciplined now. I realized that journalism is an entirely new space where you need to maximize time and effort. You won't have control over it because you will run after the news. Thus, I shifted my mindset and erased it-- still can't erase my love for writing as shown now.

After a while, I wanted to become a Marine Biologist. My love for Science, Animals and Swimming transverse in this arena. My mom is a graduate of BS Biology and took Marine Biology as Masters. I remember when I was young, mother goose would tag me along whenever she goes to some deserted beach. There I will see her collect some specimens like sea cucumber, sea urchins, and some other salty stuffs. It fascinates me how life exist in a place where we can't barely see. So for years, I always cry the study of Marine Bio. However, studying science is expensive. When I say expensive, I mean EXPENSIVE (all caps para intense). It also made me think of what I will do after school. What work will it give me. blah blah blah. What drama it was that I turned back to science.

And then I wanted Fine Arts. For those who do not know, I USED to paint. Yes. Used as an operative word. As mentioned in my previous post, I was once a student of Fernando Sena and was able to gather recommendation for few crafts. However, I took that whatever-talent for granted. Now, kinalawang na ako. Frustrating! When I had the urge to salvage whatever I can, my dad dismayed the idea. He said that its more of skills and talents, not profession. Ranting how one can be a good artist without a diploma-- hence, it would be impractical to enroll it. Thus, I was led to consider other course instead. 

Also, I dreamed of becoming an Archaeologist. Okey fine! Blame Brendan Fraser and The Mummy Trilogy. I love old things. I love history. I love mythology. I love Egypt. I have always proclaimed that I am a reincarnation of some Egyptian Princess. That I have servants feeding me berries and preparing my milk bath. HAHAHA! But as much as that profession suits me, I don't know any school here in the Philippines that offers it. In case I want to pursue Archaeology, I have to be pretty rich to afford education in UK- Oxford University. That is the only school I know which caters THE Dusting-course. 

Then there's Linguistic. I was supposed to study in State University (hulaan nyo lang kung ano) with that such course. However, I only took the exam to prove myself that I can pass it. By the time I received the result, I decided to back-out. Yeah! I was once a bad-a** daughter and to send my point to my parents, I resort by turning my back to a state university. But, nevertheless, I really want to be multi-lingual and I am still considering further studies after law school. I actually got this idea after watching a movie (which I could no longer remember) that tackles about Interpreters in United Nation. I thought... "the coolest job ever!!!" So there.. I want to be Multi-Lingual. HAHAHAHA! I'm thinking of studying French or Spanish in the future. Thinking... thinking... thinking... Can't wait to explore tongue twist soon.

So how did I end up being in law school? Let's start on my enrollment in University of the East-Manila. I was with my mom and still undecided of what I will take. Since my mom basically controls my life back then, she told me to enroll Legal Management. Why Legal Management? I have no effin idea. HAHAHAHA! She said its a better preparatory course for Law and compared to Political Science, it will trigger curiosity. Para bang...

Q1. Anong course mo? 
Ans 1. Political Science
Q1. Ah okey. (end conversation)

compared to...

Q2. Anong course mo?
Ans. Legal Management.
Q2. Oh bago yung ha. Ngayon ko lang narinig... anong ginagawa dun? (start conversation)

HAHAHAHA. So due to my sobrang good-daughter-peg (making up for what I did with state U), I ended up taking LegMa and somehow finishing it. HAHAHA! With all honesty, I can't even remember my subjects back then-- neither are my professors. I was so preoccupied with varsity that I was not fully utilized as a student. But somehow, I managed to graduate without any failing grades. I guess that deserves a hep hep hoooraaay for me!

After college, I initially worked for a real estate company. In less than a year, I discovered the BPO industry and decided to move there. When I was already hired as a regular employee, my mom talked me to further pursue my degree to Law proper. I had no other plans in my life then so I gave in. The rest they say is history.

Now that I am done with Law School, and making my way half through, I came to contemplation of why I really REALLY want to become a lawyer. Compared to friends and co-barristers, I don't have any plans once I receive the grand DOT in my title. Perhaps that is the reason why I am not as diligent compared to others. When I was in law school, I want to pass my subjects not because of aiming to take the bar, but more of to prove myself that I can. I never thought I'll make it through. It was just adrenaline rush to me whenever I go to school-- prepared or not. But to have the mindset that this is for the bar, less than two months, I still don't know what I'm doing. Nevertheless, I am doing it. 

I still want to say so many things about my dilemma, or not, of being a lawyer. But as for now, I need to re-align again my thoughts to a more cohesive topic. Ang daldal ko! Humaba ng ganito ang random word vomit ko. HAHAHAHA!

Love lots,
Katerina Bianca